So I have had this song on repeat for the last year or so.
I even started this post last June and could not, for the life of me, finish it.
It was one of those crazy random happenstances that occured. I had my phone on one of the Spotify “Daily Mix” playlists and this song popped up. It was not a song that I had heard before so I was only half listening to it until it got further along in the song. The line that I used for the title of this song was my ‘aha!’ moment.
The whole section that hit me was:
“May His presence go before you
And behind you, and beside you
All around you, and within you
He is with you, He is with you
In the morning, in the evening
In your coming, and your going
In your weeping, and rejoicing
He is for you, He is for you”
In a previous post, “And this mountain that’s in front of me…“, I talked about my crisis of faith and how I am slowly working on healing that crisis.
I feel like this song is a step in that direction for me.
When I rise and before I fall asleep…
When I am going about my day…
When I am grieving…
When I am thriving…
HE is with me and HE is for me.
I don’t even know how to comprehend that some days.
Since I started this post, I have had more good days and I have had more bad days. To be honest…some days are just blah and I am on autopilot. But the thing about that is…it’s not a bad thing to have some blah days.
Grief will send your through the ringer of emotions. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again…the stages of grieving are not a checklist that you have to follow in order. You will bounce around the stages at different points of your grief journey, but guess what?
He is with you, and He is for you.
I’m not saying that this crisis of my faith is over. I don’t know when or if it ever will be, but I do take comfort in the knowledge that no matter what He is with me and for me.
In my weeping. In my happy tears.
In my rejoicing. In my anger.
In my pain. In my healing.
In my enjoyment of life. In my fear of the future.
We are not promised tomorrow. Frankly, we aren’t even promised the next hour or minutes. Losing Marriah has taught me that and it scares me.
Who knows what my journey has around the next corner? He does and nothing that has passed as well as nothing that is to come has surprised God.
I lead this song with Momma at our church and I resonate so deeply with it.
It’s a balm on my grieving soul and it’s an anchor keeping me steady in the rough seas.
Marriah was so faithful. She had far more faith than a mustard seed, so she moved more than mountains. She loved with all her heart and she never doubted God’s plan for her life. I just wish that I had known how short that life was going to be.
But He is for me and He is with me through it all.
I know Marriah would be proud of my journey so far. I know that she would be the first one to would tell me that this is ok. She would tell me that stepping back is part of moving forward and that I’ll be better for it.
She would be the first one to encourage me through my journey of grief and my crisis of faith. Isn’t that ironic?! Her death was starting point for both.
Love you always. Miss you forever, Sunflower. 🌻
*Shout out to the amazing worship team at Iron Faith Biker Church in Weatherford (and on Facebook).*
Credits: “The Blessing”
Artist: Elevation Worship feat. Kari Jobe and Cody Carnes (2020)
Written: Kari Jobe, Cody Carnes, Steven Furtick, & Chris Brown