“And this mountain that’s in front of me…”

“And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea…
And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And it is well with me”

I’m in the midst of a crisis of faith.

Marriah’s death shook me to my very core, faith included. And I am still very much shaken.

The song for this post is one that I hold very near and dear to my heart. Most of the time I cry listening to it. It’s not a nope song, but I can’t hear it with out crying.

My Momma has it tattooed on her arm in Marriah’s handwriting along with a sunflower and she leads worship with this song frequently at our church as it’s been her anthem since Marriah’s accident. I still cry every time.

But a song like this is the WORST when you are having a crisis of faith. I’ve even made several posts on Facebook that I will include as this blog post moves along.

In one of those posts, I discuss how it is NOT well with my soul. My soul is the farthest thing from well. None of this has made any sense and I am still deeply moved by it. That tremor is soul deep for me, so no…it is NOT well with my soul.

It wasn’t until I started scratching out our last names, that I realized I wrote this on her page! 🧡

This was 2 years and 2 weeks ago…and I gotta tell you truthfully..it still is not well with my soul yet!

I have enough faith to know that what I wrote in 2018 still holds true. One day I will be able to sing those words and feel them ring true in my soul.

I’m just not there YET. And that’s ok!

I know that it will always be a soul deep ache. I’ve always had a somewhat restless soul. I know that I will always miss you. But I also know that one of these days I WILL BE OK and ready for it to be well with me. I have to believe, at least, that or I will never be able to dig myself out of the grief I am buried under.

A crisis of faith is not uncommon when some one has lost someone they hold dear. Many people experience it, and we all experience it a differently. Just like grief.

Now something else you should know about me and Momma is that we LOVE the TV show “The Big Bang Theory”. (Trust me, I see the irony.)

Did you know that there was a spin-off? “Young Sheldon” is about, you guessed it, a young Sheldon Cooper growing up in Texas. As TBBT fans and loud ‘n’ proud Texas girls…We were instantly hooked.

I say all this to make a point. While it is a GREAT spin-off, there was an episode that REALLY hit home for me.

Season 2, Episode 3: A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens. In the episode, a teenage girl dies in a car accident and it shakes Sheldon’s mom, Mary’s, faith. Here is my Facebook post and original thoughts on the matter…

I should mention that I attend church regularly now, run the computer in the back, and even help Momma lead worship. It’s a HUGE improvement since this post a year and a half ago.

Those two posts were 6 months apart. One is still extremely heartbroken & sad while the next one is angry & selfish. I still bounce back and forth between the two emotions.

This journey of grief is not a straight and narrow path. It’s a winding and twisting trail that circles around an brings you back to a “rock” that you swear you passed already.

It is NOT well with my soul…YET.

This is my crisis of faith. And I’m still figuring it out, but I need to do it on my own, so that one day when I am able to sing “Let go my soul and trust in Him”….there is not a shadow of doubt in my mind that I do “trust in Him” and “it is {truly} well with me”.

Marriah had the faith of a mustard seed (Matthew 17:20) and she moved mountains. And I know right now that it is soooo stinkin’ well with her soul. But I’m still shaken down to the bottom of mine.

And that’s ok, because I have hope that one day it will be well with my soul.

Love you always. Miss you forever, Sunflower. 🌻

Credits: “It is Well”
Artist: Bethel Music feat. Kristine DeMarco
Written: Bethel Music (2014, current version) Horacio Spafford, Phillip Bliss (1873, original hymn)
https://youtu.be/8Wb_WD1emFQ