“You should be here…”

This song is a song on the HELL NO list and it stays there indefinitely.

So grief aside for a minute… have you ever gone somewhere and thought “wow [name] should be here!” It happens a lot with my Bubba as he is always stationed or deployed elsewhere, it happens when I go to new places that I know my momma or bestie would love, etc.

It’s a basic human desire to want to share things with the people you love. But what happens when the person that you want to share things with is gone.

I experience this most during holidays. Thanksgiving is the worst for me because that’s Marriah and I’s shared grandmother’s favorite holiday and almost a full weekend of family filled shenanigans.

What is not discussed about the ” [Name] should be here” moments is the guilt that is associated with those moments.

Guilt; noun, secondary definition: a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

I feel so freaking guilty about the family events and parties that I get to attend, but she doesn’t.

To be really honest, I know that I shouldn’t feel guilty because I haven’t done anything wrong. And that’s where the “whether real or imagined” comes into play. The guilt is in my head and imagined, which really sucks because I have a pretty vivid imagination and can take things too far with it.

It’s similar to survivor’s guilt, without the one major component. I wasn’t in the crash with her. But I am still alive while she isn’t and I still have this, possibly irrational, feeling of guilt.

She should be here and I feel guilty that I am.

She has missed birthday’s. (Every single one of her nephew’s birthday parties)

She missed holidays.

She missed major milestones like J-Bird’s Sweet 16 and Bubba’s wedding.

She should have been there. At EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. and she wasn’t.

That’s hard for me to deal with because I was. This pandemic has made things a little different, obviously, but my family has found ways to manage. We did Easter together as a family via Zoom and she should have been there.

I don’t know if this guilt is something that will ever go away, because, for the rest of my life, I will always be at celebrations and think “Marriah should be here”. I don’t see that changing, but maybe the guilt of being there without her will. Who knows?

I always talk about grief being a journey and I think that this guilt I’m feeling is a stop (maybe a side path) on my personal journey.

I am always going to miss her. It’s just human nature.

I am always going to wish she were here. Again, human nature.

But maybe, just maybe, I can someday start to let go of some of this guilt associated with it and grow a little bit in the process.

“It’s one of those moments, that’s got your name written all over it
And you know that if I had just one wish it’d
Be that you didn’t have to miss this
You should be here”

Love you always. Miss you forever, Sunflower. 🌻

Christmas 2008 (that was actually Jan. of 2009) Our sophomore and junior years of high school.

Christmas 2009 (that was again in January after Christmas). Her junior and my senior years of high school.

Credits: “You Should Be Here”
Artist: Cole Swindell (2015)
Written: Cole Swindell & Ashley Gorley
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8WlCqZPTeg

One thought on ““You should be here…””

  1. Your emotions are very normal and your intense longing for fellowship with Marriah are, too. Think about it, though. You long for her to be here with you on Earth – with pollution, illness, injuries, hate, political unrest, injustices, daily fear-mongering in the news, etc. Marriah is in Heaven, rejoicing with God Himself, singing with the choirs of Heaven, dancing among the stars and praising Jesus in person! She has no pain, no sadness, no fear, no longing for anything except a deeper relationship with God/Jesus. Your time without her seems interminable, but when you meet again someday, it will seem like you’ve hardly been apart. Oh, the wonderful things she will have to show you and tell you all about!

    Like

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