“I may never understand that my broken heart is a part of your plan…”

I know it’s been a while since I posted, but I’ve been on a different kind of grief journey over the last 15 months & needed time to reconcile the 2 separate journeys.

Marriah was reunited with our grandfather in May of 2023 and it’s been a complete trip for me grieving this time around.

To catch some of you up, I lost my cousin (the OG bestie) in Feb. of 2017 to a car accident while she was on her way to work. Fast forward several years and a rollercoaster of a grief journey…. Now we’ve lost my grandfather in a tractor accident on my beloved Buckhorn Ranch (which I still need to tell y’all about).

It’s a different type of loss when you lose a grandparent. I’ve talked briefly about losing my Grammy in 2008 at 15, but losing my Poppa that I shared with Marriah is a different kind of loss. Frankly, they are all three completely separate journeys, however, the loss of my grandparents have some similarities: THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.

We are born, we lose our grandparents, we lose our parents & aunts/uncles, and THEN we are supposed to lose our generation of siblings and cousins. It’s not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s the way it’s SUPPOSED to be. Circle of life.

Losing Marriah so young was NOT in our plan here on earth, but it was His plan. To be blunt, I still don’t understand what the plan was and why, but that’s not for me to know…and I’m still struggling to deal with that some days.

I was 15 when I lost Grammy, so I imagine I handled that like any teenager would. I miss her fiercely, but I’m 16 years in to that journey and it’s a different ache. I wish I could tell her about all the things she’s missed.

I was 24 when I lost Marriah, and, as I’ve admitted, I did not handle that loss like at all. Then when I started to “handle” it, it wasn’t healthy. That’s what this whole blog has been…handling my grief in a productive manner. I still struggle with the grief and some moments still feel like they did 7 years ago. But that’s why I used the analogy of a rollercoaster earlier…ups and downs.

I was 30 (almost 31) when Poppa had his accident with Big John (That’s the tractor’s name. Yes, we name inanimate objects in this house. Sue me.), and it’s still hard to wrap my head around over a year later. But here is the difference in the 2 losses since I became an adult, I’m at PEACE with his passing.

DO NOT GET THIS TWISTED: I still miss him and hate with the passion of a thousand suns that I won’t ever hear him call me ‘Drian again, or that I won’t get a text/call that he’s outside my office and wants a hug, or hear him giggle when I sass him and him say “then I’ll take the peaches I got you back home then”.

But this is a completely different journey, because “he went out with his boots on” and not slowly slipping away with the cancer he has fought 2 decades to overcome eating away at his body. I know without a single doubt that he would have HATED that and he loved working his beloved ranch on his tractor, so there is a peace in my grief journey this time that has been missing.

***If you get the “went out with his boots on” reference, bonus points for you. Poppa loved that movie so I had to slip it in here. ***

I know not everyone feels the same way that I do about loosing our Medders patriarch. AND THAT’S OK.

He left behind a wife of over 50 years, 3 daughters (who brought him 3 sons), numerous grandchildren and great grandchildren. We all have different views on this loss, different memories, and we are all on different journeys.

This blog is about MY journey and I share it on my social media in hopes that it might touch someone on their own journey and show them that it’s ok to feel how you feel about the loss in their life.

I always strive to be transparent in these posts. I am grieving Poppa as a daughter watching her mama grieve her daddy.

I’ll tell you why that hurts in a sharper way than a granddaughter grieving her grandfather. That day we lost Poppa will forever be burned in my memory with perfect clarity and has helped me step into Momma’s shoes a bit. She has told me for YEARS that the look in my eyes as she told me and I realized Marriah was gone will haunt her for the rest of her life. I can honestly say that I get it now. I truly understand what she means by that.

She, my aunts, and my Gigi were in the tiny family room at JPS learning the news that he didn’t make it off the CareFlight, when the chaplain stepped out to get “the boys” (my daddy and uncles). The moment that door opened and I heard Momma’s screams…I knew he was with his Heavenly Father already. I didn’t need to hear Daddy tell the rest of us that we lost him. Those pain filled screams told me all I needed to know and they will haunt me until my last breath. I GET IT NOW.

As I close out this late night & rather random post, I need to put in a quick note about this song. One of my favorite country bands is Lady A (formerly Lady Antebellum, but I won’t get on my soapbox about THAT change. This ain’t that kind of blog.). I have loved them for YEARS so when Hillary Scott released a gospel/christian album with her family…I was STOKED.

This album was released shortly before we lost Marriah and this particular song, “Thy Will”, was played every single hour on christian radio in 2016/2017 and I loved it, until I didn’t.

This song was one of two songs that played during Marriah’s slideshow at her funeral. We listened to it about 1,000 times over the course of the processional out as people said goodbye to her. It’s been a HELL NO song for me since, but it was fitting for this post and I wanted to use it.

Drian loves you Poppa and I miss you more than all the peaches on the trees in July. 🧡

Love you always. Miss you forever, Sunflower. 🌻