Have you ever had a dream so good that you never wanted to wake up? Or worse…have you ever wish you could wake up from a dream only to realize it’s not a dream at all?
There’s that moment in a really vivid dream where dream-you thinks “There is no possible way that this nonsense is real…” and BAM!!! That’s when you wake up.
There’s usually 2 things that happen when you awake from that nocturnal motion picture: (at least for me)
- You are utterly disappointed it wasn’t real. You hope with all hope that you are still sleepy enough to fall back asleep and pick up right back where you were so rudely interrupted.
- You are thankful it was a dream. Your heart is probably racing. Maybe you are crying or on the verge of tears. And you just thank your lucky stars that it was just a dark part of your subconscious.
Grieving, at any moment, can jump to either one of those in a heartbeat.
Grieving is that constant feeling of being in a dream like state and thinking “no way is this real life”.
Grieving is a nightmare that you don’t ever wake up from.
I dream about her. All the time. And most of the time I wake up in a combination of the above mentioned post-dream states. I wake up and wish I’m tired enough to go back to sleep. Back to my dreams where Marriah is alive and well. Where she was laughing, and smiling, and happy. Back to where I wasn’t grieving the loss of her. Then the tears come, the heart starts racing, and I’m back in my living nightmare.
What am I supposed to do with that? What am I supposed to do with the panic attacks that come with those dreams? How am I suppose to grieve and “move on” when most nights I’m right back where I started?!
How am I supposed to have dreams and goals that I want to accomplish when Marriah never got to live hers?!
How can I dream without feeling guilty?
A lot of people tell me “she would want you to be happy”…or “she would tell you to…” …or my FAVORITE “what would Marriah say?”. Well guess what?! The only way I can talk to her is in my dreams and those aren’t freakin’ real!!! They aren’t her. Every time I wake up, I’m back to real life where I can’t ask her what what I should wear on a first date and she can’t be my back up when I need that “emergency” phone call.
Somewhere deep down in my soul, I know what she would want, she would want me to dream. She would want me to be happy and in the same breath give me crap for it. But it sucks so hard that she isn’t here to tell me all that herself.
How can I dream when all her dreams, all her wants, all her prayers, got cut short at 23 years old?
I don’t know how, but I guess now is as good of time, as any, to start trying.
The song I’ve chosen for this post is a pretty special song from our childhood. We have VHS recordings of Marriah’s momma and brother singing this when he was a teeny tiny little tot. It’s from what is arguably the BEST movie from my childhood….An American Tale: Fievel Goes West.
“Dreams to dream
In the dark of the night
When the world goes wrong
I can still make it right
I can see so far in my dreams
I’ll follow my dreams until they come true”
Love you always. Miss you forever, Sunflower. 🌻
Credits: “Dreams to Dream” (An American Tale: Fievel Goes West, 1991 movie)
Artist: Cathy Cavadini (Tanya’s Version), Linda Ronstadt (Finale Version)
Written: James Horner and Will Jennings