I love 80’s and 90’s country, so when I needed a song for this post, this was the first one I thought of.
Today did not go as planned. I didn’t see a single cloud in the sky to let me know that the storm was coming.
Today grief and some PTSD unexpectedly won, plain and simple.
And while I know on the logical side of my brain that’s ok, the emotional side is taking it hard.
As I mentioned in my last blog, I’m job hunting. *By the way, this is NOT the emotional season that I should be job hunting in, but I am playing the cards I was dealt. I just wish it wasn’t the hand I had to be “all in” for.*
So I’ve been applying to jobs and I have not limited myself so I’ve applied to several preschools/early education academies.
If you’ve been reading from the beginning, you know that I was an infant teacher when we lost Marriah, the last call I had with her was in an empty classroom on my lunch break, and I was told we lost her at my school. Not to mention she was ALSO a teacher at a preschool.
I told people and myself that I would never go back to teaching, but I have missed it and I have been in a healthy mindset for a while now, so I thought I would try and go back to my roots. Not to toot my own horn, but I was good at it too and there has been a longing to go back.
Well after today, I think God has officially told me that door is closed for good.
And that HURTS. It hurts in ways that I wasn’t expecting.
I had an unexpected phone interview with a preparatory academy in Aledo and it went well enough to get an in-person interview. Now, I was honest with the interviewer on the phone that I wasn’t 100% sure that coming back to teaching was for me. I gave her my background as to why I thought that. She was extremely understanding and kind with me, plus I got through that conversation with a single pain in my heart or tear in my eye. Good signs, right!?
WRONG. Talking about it is not what triggers me anymore.
I walked in the door at 12:56p and they asked me to fill out a paper application and by 1:01p I was texting my mom that I was on the verge of a panic attack. So with my mama’s encouragement, I thanked them for the opportunity and let them know that I was not ready to come back to teaching. I didn’t even make it out the door before I was crying. I made it to my Jeep and FaceTimed my mom before I completely lost it.
I didn’t even step foot in or lay eyes on a classroom, but the sounds and smells?? I was right back to that day, 8 years and 51 weeks ago.
It was the sounds and smells that triggered me.
I was right back in my classroom after learning she was gone, holding a baby, and crying while she let me squeeze her to me.
I was right back in my classroom in the months and weeks that followed trying to breathe through the moments when I wanted to break down. I thank God everyday for my assistant taking charge in those moments. She would hand me a baby and tell me to go rock them because she could see I was losing it.
I was right back in my classroom telling my boss (and work mom) that I got a new job and was leaving.
I wish I could say today was a good day, but it was not and logically I know that’s ok.
Not every day is a good day AND THAT’S OK.
I wish with all my heart that today had been a win for myself, my grief and my joblessness.
It wasn’t and…that’s ok.
I know God has a plan and a purpose for all of this, I just wish that I could see it too. I wish a lot of things these days. Mostly, I just wish she was here.
It’s hard to believe that we are a week away from 9 years without her. Sometimes it seems unfathomable and then sometimes it feels like just yesterday.
Love you always. Miss you forever, Sunflower. 🌻
Credits: “I Sure Can Smell the Rain”
Artist: BlackHawk (1994)
Written: John Jarrard / Walt Aldridge
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=reUNP92JeCs
Follow the Sun 